[Bee] The White House confirmed on Friday what many had long suspected: that podcast host Candace Owens is an elaborate Jewish plot to make antisemites look retarded.Intelligence intercepted by the Islamic Republic of Iran appeared to show definitively that Owens had been intentionally conjuring up her dumbest ideas just to make hardworking, God-fearing Jew-haters look like idiots.
"Diabolical! I just knew those crafty Jews were up to something!" said War Secretary Pete Hegseth. "Candace Owens has completely undermined the efforts of antisemites to not look like raving lunatics."
According to intelligence officials, Owens receives exactly $7,000 per podcast episode to continue spouting the most unhinged schizophrenic "theories" that can only be corroborated through dreams she makes up.
Meanwhile, as of Friday afternoon, the podcast world had gone into full damage control.
Former Fox News host Tucker Carlson, who had previously admitted to being wrong "many times," said, "I can't believe I could have been so wrong about her. I'm never wrong. And as a Christian — as an American most importantly — I can't believe I trusted her. She's really made my good-natured antisemitism look really bad."
Megyn Kelly, however, claimed to have known all along that Candace Owens was pretending to be mentally retarded and had been secretly working behind the scenes to reason with her.
At publishing time, antisemites had asked Owens to dial things back a bit to not make the rest of them look so stupid.