[Sultan Knish] The United States of America (1787-2018) came to a swift and sudden end last week as the government shut down. The nation which had survived Pearl Harbor, the War of 1812 and Jimmy Carter ceased to exist.The savage population, which had only been kept in line through a policy of rigorous gun confiscations, food stamps and lectures on the environment unleashed its pent up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder that had only previously been encountered in Somalia, Russia and a Walmart in downtown Atlanta.
"The government shut down! We can do anything we like," shouted Sam Hasbley of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action. "Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can't stop you."
Eyewitnesses spoke of further horrors. On a quiet street in suburban Massachusetts, a man brought out a set of highly illegal lawn darts. In Maryland, there were allegations that an entire family had begun digging ditches to collect rainwater runoff. In Alabama, a farmer fed his hogs homegrown lettuce that had been certified by the state, but not by the Federal Trilateral Hog Commission
With the fall of the government, citizen activists took it upon themselves to chronicle the culture of lawlessness. Men heated their homes with coal stoves. Women bought cold medicine without a photo ID. Children went hours without hearing lectures about the environment.
The victims were many.