[DRUDGEREPORT] Guy goes hunting for bear in Alaska. He's tip-toeing through the woods when he sees the biggest bear he's ever seen in his life. He draws a bead, lets out his breath, squeezes the trigger.
And misses.
Suddenly the bear's standing right in front of him, its claws raised! "You tried to shoot me!" sez the bear.
"Ummm... You're a talking bear?"
"And you're a dead guy... unless you drop trou and let me have my way with your tiny butt!"
The guy's got a choice: Death, or the proverbial fate worse than death. He decides to go with "worse than," and the bear leaves him limping and dripping and sore twenty minutes later.
The guy drags it back to his tent, where he applies soothing balm and liberal quantities of Preparation H. "Rat bastard bear!" he snarls. "No bear does that to me and gets away with it!"
Next morning he's lying in wait when the bear comes down to the water hole. He draws his bead, lets out his breath, squeezes the trigger... And misses.
"Hrarrr!" the bear snarls, brandishing nine inch claws. "You tried to kill me! I'm gonna disembowel youse with a single slash! Unless..."
The guy drops his drawers, turns around, and endures another even more painful, even more humiliating session.
The guy crawls back to his tent, whimpering, and sits in a tub of snow, which sizzles as his butt hits it.
"Dirty rotten sonofabitchin' bear!" he snarls. "I'll kill him! I'll kill him!"
Next morning he's lying in wait, not twenty yards from the water hole. He can't miss! The bear shows up, sniffs the air, and leans over to drink. The guy draws his bead, lets out his breath, squeezes the trigger...
And misses.
It's like a re-run of a nightmare! The bear rears up in front of him! His claws look like they've grown an inch or two overnight! He gives a throaty roar! And he sez: "You ain't here for the huntin', are you, sweetie?" |