 It's not easy being the ambulance chaser white guy.
While Hillary Clinton vies to become the first woman president and Barack Obama the first black man to win the White House, their rival John Edwards is a hairdo voice in the snowy wilderness of Iowa.
"We canÂ’t make John black, we canÂ’t make him much more of a woman," lamented the former North Carolina senatorÂ’s wife Elizabeth in the autumn. "Those things get you a lot of press, worth a certain amount of fundraising dollars."
He'll just have to rely on portraying Islamic fascism as a phony enemy made up by greedy oil barons, I guess
But although the historic nature of the Clinton and Obama candidacies has turned the duel between them into an identity politics frenzy national obsession, the crucial first vote in Iowa on January 3rd is far from a two-horse race. All three Democratic candidates are within the margin of error in Iowa polls and Mr Edwards, who made a strong showing in the state in 2004, is well placed to score a surprise win.
The more his two rivals bicker, the broader his sh*t eating grin Colgate-white smile gets. He may lag behind a distant third in national polls and the fundraising stakes but everything could change in a rinse and curl heartbeat if he can become an Oprah giant slayer in Iowa.
Some of Mr Edwards’s supporters, moreover, believe that his colour beige and gender metrosexual — the same as every one of the first 43 presidents of the United States — could end up being a distinct advantage.
"I just have the feeling that he is the most resplendent electable," said Jim Durand, 60, a dental technician who attended the kick-off event for Mr EdwardsÂ’s eight-day "Bile America Rising" bus tour across Iowa. "Certain areas of the country are not going to vote for them [Mrs Clinton or Mr Obama].
Dark, sinister corners filled with Klansmen, neo-cons, and *gasp!* practicing Christians!!
"WeÂ’re still a male chauvinist type state and to some extent we are kind of a racist country."
We run around with an extra chromosome playing the banjo and drinking moonshine from a jug with our big old straw hats saying "Dur duh dur-dur" all the day long
Having run as a sunny side down Southern centrist in 2004 who had voted to authorise the Iraq war two years earlier, Mr Edwards has had a makeover transformed himself into an angry populist, railing against Wall Street, lobbyists and the "wealthy and powerful" who manipulate the government.
Not to be confused with the wealthy and powerful who enrich humanity with their lustrous hair.
"Brothers and sisters, it is time to take this democracy back," he roared, to cheers of "President Pretty Edwards" from a crowd of 200 of mainly trade unionists, many waving "Steelworkers for Edwards" and "Carpenters for Edwards" signs.
What Sign Would Jesus Wave?
The gathering had a much higher proportion of white males than Obama or Clinton rallies and at times Mr Edwards has come close to suggesting that as a white male heÂ’s a better prospect than his opponents. Two months ago, he told Iowans that it was important to pick a nominee who would "attract more middle-of-the-road voters" and "feel more of a connection" with ordinary people.
Warning! Code word alert! AA-OOOOOOOOOGA!! AA-OOOOOOOOOGA!!
The easiest way to make a decision, he said, was to "picture in your hair head Â… which oneÂ’s going to be more helpful to me and which oneÂ’s not". He did not spell out why he, as the most Left-wing of the major Democratic candidates, might appeal most to centrist voters.
But then, does he really have to? |