As soon as he was stricken Wednesday, our sources report he was transferred to the emergency department of the Khatam Al-Anbia hospital, since when he has recovered consciousness every few hours and can identify the people around him. "How many fingers do y'see, Your Immensity?"
"Eleven!"
According to our Tehran sources,
| After neurosurgeons diagnosed extensive brain damage, two foreign teams of specialists were rushed over from Germany and Switzerland. |
"And now, adoring public, His Enormity will prove he ain't dead! Take it away, Your Opulence!"
"Grsh?"
"Nurse! Give him an enema, quick!"
The rumors were started when he missed two important state and religious events and was not seen in public after Dec. 24. In the interim, our Tehran sources report the aged, scholarly Ayatollah Mohammed Reza Mahdavi Khani, an apolitical figure, was appointed temporary stand-in for the supreme ruler. Khamenei is considering making the appointment as permanent.
"You can be Supreme Leader, but don't go gettin' any ideas. You ain't that supreme!"
KhameneiÂ’s illness had been kept a close secret in Tehran for fear of an outbreak of factional hostilities.
"Muttermuttermuttermutter!"
The elections held last month for the Council of Experts, which is competent to choose the supreme ruler, was not accepted by the radical political and military camps, especially president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his backers, the Revolutionary Guards. They took exception to the comeback of former president Hashemi Rafsanjani, who Khamenei had placed in line as his successor.
"He can't be Supreme Leader!"
"Why not? He was elected!"
"Not by us, he wudn't!"
According to our Iranian experts, the supreme ruler has suffered some years from cancer of the digestive system, which recently spread to his prostate glands.
"Easy with the enema tube there, Nurse Wretched!"
| A 'cancer of the digestive system' would be either gastric, colon or rectal cancer; neither gastric or colon ordinarily spreads to the prostate. That leaves rectal cancer which can spread by direct extension, depending on its location, to involve the prostate; if it does that it's likely spread to and compressing other useful structures like the ureter and/or bladder. If all this is the case he's got a diverting colostomy plus a suprapubic cystotomy tube. |
| "Nurse! Empty the Imperial Colostomy Bag!" |
"What's with the brussels sprouts?"
"Have a little respect! That's our Supreme Leader!"
| "I've haven't seen a Supreme Leader with that many tubes since Stalin." |
"Really. He ain't dead. Not even mostly dead... Just kinda partly dead."
These rumors were greeted with joy by millions of Tehranis who posted the glad tidings by SMS. Police in the capital were ordered to detain people on the streets and check their mobile phones for these messages.