(2004-07-19) -- The first wave of Democrat attorneys has landed in south Florida—some in amphibious landing vehicles, others from the air—according to sources in the U.S. Coast Guard and Transportation Security Administration.

Under the command of Democrat presidential hopeful John Forbes Kerry, and with the protection of several United Nations battalions, the lawyers came ashore and took up positions near polling places, and "strategic sports bars".

"We thought they were Cubans at first," said an unnamed Coast Guard source. "until they made a fuss about getting their shoes wet on the beach."

Mr. Kerry, and his trial lawyer running-mate John Edwards, have promised to protect the people of Florida, especially black citizens, from Republican efforts to disenfranchise them simply because they don't know know how to use a punch-card ballot.

"The people of Florida are safe this morning," said Mr. Kerry, "Thanks to our legal forces and the sovereign government of the United Nations, we have monitors and peacekeepers in position."

In a radio address from his command post, Mr. Kerry assured Florida residents that the lawyers were there for their protection, and "not for any political or monetary advantage that may accrue to them in the process."