(2004-03-20) -- The presumptive Democrat presidential nominee, Sen. John Forbes Kerry, today called for a ban on snowboarding. The demand comes less than a week after a Secret Service agent caused the Senator to tumble on a slope in Idaho.

"Snowboarding is an inherently dangerous activity," said Mr. Kerry. "Although I’m one of the best snowboarders alive, and I don’t fall down, there is no way to protect the average 19-year-old from being taken out by a [expletive deleted] Secret Service agent. The board manufacturers claim the sport is safe. But how do you ask a man to be the last man to break his leg for a lie?"

In a symbolic gesture, Mr. Kerry plans to throw his snowboard, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, over the White House fence later this week. TV news crews will be permitted to videotape his second snowboard toss attempt.