1. Bush does too have a coherent plan for dealing with Iraq, but it will cost you $87 billion to find out what it is.

2. U.S. military leaders say there are enough American troops in Iraq, but we need some NATO ones there too, to add European flair to the combat and to give the Iraqis uniforms of various colors to shoot at.

3. Iraq, by existing, was responsible for what happened on September 1, 2001. Iraq is now the "central front" in America’s war on terrorism, because the light is better there than wherever Osama and Sadam are.

4. We are "engaging the enemy where he lives" -- and since he can’t afford plane fare to come where we live, this is mighty considerate of us.

5. Bush never called us all into the tree house and said: "Okay, we all know why we’re here, right? To fight Sadam Hussein, the bully. That guy has been tormenting all of us for years, and I for one am sick of it! I can’t promise you victory. I can’t promise you good times. But the one thing I do know. . .[The country starts to leave] Whoa! Whoa! I promise you victory! I promise you good times! [The country cheers]

That never happened. Bush told us it was going to be tough all along, and so we can’t blame him now that more Americans have been killed since an end to combat operations was declared than were killed during the actual war.

6. Terrorists only attack weak nations, like, um, Norway. We need to show terrorists how tough we are, by invading various countries all over the globe -- otherwise, they’ll pick on us and steal our lunch money.

7. "Not all of our friends agreed with our decision to remove Saddam Hussein from power --not to mention names or anything, but I mean the Krauts and the Frogs here. But we cannot let past differences interfere with our present duties. And when I say ’we,’ I actually mean ’you,’ of course. Getting rid of evil doers in Iraq and Afghanistan will also help Japan, Saudi Arabia, and other countries with lots of money, so you’ll be getting a bill in the mail. No, you can’t claim this war was unsolicited and then not pay for it, like you did with those CDs from Columbia House, or we will report you to a collection agency."

8. "America has experience in occupying various nations worldwide. Remember Japan and Germany? Good times, good times. So, in conclusion, let me read you a letter from a soldier stationed in Iraq who says, ’Mr. President,’ he says, ’sometime when the team is up against it and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to go out there with all they’ve got and win just one for the Gipper. I don’t know where I’ll be then, Mr. President, Sir, ’ he says, ’but I’ll know about it and I’ll be happy.’ So, GOOOO TEAM!