 A thorough analysis of the Koran reveals that the US will cease to exist in the year 2007, according to research published by Palestinian scholar Ziad Silwadi.
| Whew. That's a relief. I was really worried about Social Security... |
The study, which has caught the attention of millions of Muslims worldwide, is based on in-depth interpretations of various verses in the Koran.
| "Mahmoud! What's this word mean?" |
It predicts that the US will be hit by a tsunami larger than that which recently struck southeast Asia. "The tsunami waves are a minor rehearsal in comparison with what awaits the US in 2007," the researcher concluded in his study. "The Holy Koran warns against the Omnipotent Allah's force. A great sin will cause a huge flood in the Atlantic and Pacific oceans."
| "Hoo, boy! Are they gonna get it! They'll be sorry Britney shook them titties! They'll be sorry for Janet Jackson's mipple! They'll be sorry Paris Hilton... uhhh... uhhh... Oh, where is my gun? I must... I must... I must shoot off!" |
Silwadi, who is from the village of Silwad near Ramallah — the home of Hamas leader Khaled Mashaal — is not a world-renowned scholar.
He said he decided to publish the findings of his research "out of a sense of responsibility because what is about to happen is extremely shocking and frightening." His fear, he said, is that the world economy, which relies heavily on the US dollar, would be deeply affected by the collapse of the US. "It would be fair to say that the world would be better off with a US that is not a superpower and that does not take advantage of weak nations than a world where this country does not exist at all," he added.
| "But since it's gonna go down the tubes, we should be getting ready. Put your money in dinars!" |
"The world will certainly lose a lot if and when this disaster occurs because of the great services that American society has rendered to the economy, industry and science."
| "But really, we'll be better off without 'em. I mean, we don't need all them porn sites..." |
Silwadi said his study of the Koran showed that the US would perish mainly because of its great sins against mankind, including the Native Americans and blacks. "As soon as the Europeans started arriving in the new world discovered by Christopher Columbus in 1492, they declared a war on the so-called Red Indians, the legitimate owners of the land," he wrote. "Then they began enslaving and humiliating Africans after kidnapping them from their countries and bringing them to America. Millions of blacks were brought to the US and treated with unprecedented harshness. Those who became ill during the journey were thrown overboard to feed the fish."
| "The Arabs and Africans who were selling them never would have sold them if they'd known they were getting into that kind of a mess!" |
Silwadi pointed out that the US continued to commit war crimes and "ethnic cleansing" against humanity by becoming the first country to use nuclear weapons during World War II. "International law penalizes such crimes," he said. "If these laws were not applied then, they are certainly implemented in heaven. If no one on earth is capable of punishing [the US], Allah was and remains able to do so. All these actions have been documented by Allah in a big archive called the Koran."
| "So he's gonna do it, see? And he's gonna do it in 2007. If it don't happen then, well, I guess Allah's just a load of bunk and we should all become agnostics. Guess we'll have to wait and see, huh?" |
Silwadi said he reached the conclusion that several suras (chapters) in the Koran that talk about punishment for those who perpetrate heinous sins actually refer to the US. As an example, he quotes in his study verse 40 of the Spider Sura, which states: "So each We [God] punished for his sin; of them was he on whom We sent down a violent storm, and of them was he whom the rumbling overtook, and of them was he whom We made to be swallowed up by the earth, and of them he whom We drowned; and it did not beseem Allah that He should be unjust to them, but they were unjust to their own souls."
| Well, I guess that settles the matter then, doesn't it? Who can argue with that? |
Drawing parallels between Pharaoh and the US, who share the same "sin" of arrogance and excessive pride, Silwadi noted that the Koran mentions at least 12 times the fact that Pharaoh was punished by drowning for his evil deeds. The Narrative Sura, he noted, clearly suggests that the US will drown in the sea: "And Firon [Pharaoh] said: O chiefs! I do not know of any god for you besides myself; therefore kindle a fire for me And he was unjustly proud in the land, he and his hosts, and they deemed that they would not be brought back to Us. So We caught hold of him and his hosts, then We cast them into the sea, and see how was the end of the unjust [verses 38-40]."
| Uhhh... What happened to all the other pharoahs? How about the ones who lived long and fruitful lives and died of old age? |
Explaining his theory about the approaching extinction of the US, the scholar went on to analyze many numbers and letters mentioned in the Koran.
| "... and the number 19 is a pregnant number..." |
He said a careful reading and analysis of words appearing in the Opening and Yusuf suras show that the US will exist for only 231 years. How did he reach that number? Silwadi said that by combing a number of suras hinting at US sins he reached the numbers 1776 (the year the US achieved independence) and 231. He added the two numbers and the result was 2007, the year when the US is expected to disappear.
| Ahah! Just as I thought! He forgot to multiply by the square root of the number of suras that mention camels! His research is obviously invalid! |
In his lengthy study, which is being circulated in many Muslim countries, Silwadi noted that the US has often been compared to a tree that grows very quickly and bears fruit, but has no roots.
| Damn. I thought we were growing kinda slowly, and that our tap root was deep in Europe, but with the rest of the roots all over the world... |
In an attempt to find a reference to this metaphor in the Koran, Silwadi said he counted 1776 verses from the beginning of the Koran until he reached verse 26 of the Ibrahim Sura, which states: "And the parable of an evil word is as an evil tree pulled up from the earth's surface; it has no stability."
In a year holding a three, or seven, or five, or nine, or maybe not,/Two things, might be people, or armies, or buildings,/Or anything really, blades of grass, or stoats, or crapulous charlatans spouting mimsy,/Might do something nebulous./Insert made-up-bit here.
--Generic Nostradamus Quatrain from "The Guardian"
| Gawd, I love the scientific method! |
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